You just made me feel so damn special
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
