Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
