You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
