im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize