I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Michael Bay diarrhea
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
