Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
