It's Friday. Sex?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
