Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
