tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
