she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
