Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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