$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
