I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
