We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Are we still banned from the library?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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