If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
