I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
