Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
