The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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