tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
