She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
