Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
