He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
