Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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