I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
