I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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