I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
