I wish my penis had an off switch
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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