I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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