You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
