Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
