i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
