I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Randomize
