id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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