What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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