got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
