i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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