how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
