Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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