So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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