So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
