Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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