just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
