it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So apparently I’m into choking now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
