I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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