Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
