I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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