I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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