I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
