Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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