4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
