I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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