How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
