so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
