Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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