i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
this beer tastes like vomit already
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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